Eight years now in Oregon, with Knute, and I feel healing happening. And all of a sudden in the last month, confidence is returning. Poor Knute, patiently walking beside me and helping me get strong, now gets to deal with me flying off to a new adventure, risking finances, consuming all my energy, making huge new piles of stuff all over the house. He is a saint.
Confidence. It's like that Julie Andrews song -- it comes from simple, basic places. Sunshine. Rain. Spring will come again. The strength that comes from being rested. We divorce ourselves from the natural world and our basic needs, and, go figure, confidence wanes. Confidence is a result of healthy energy -- physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional.
It's an effort to decided to stay confident. There's a constant sorting of internal messages: "I have confidence people will want to buy brownies." "I'll never make this fly -- people don't want a bunch of sugar and butter." "The kids can be the driving force behind this and they'll have jobs created for them." "The kids aren't really interested, who am I kidding?" "If only a handful of people don't have to go hungry because of this, it's worth it."
Which voice wins? The one I pay attention to. The one I repeat and echo and rephrase and write down and focus on. This doesn't come naturally. I'm not waiting for those two sides of my mind to take a vote before I decide to act. I act. I choose. I squelch one and empower the other. Power begets power, and confidence begets confidence, and once you've started running, you want to run forever.
What about our deep-down, personal self-confidence, though. If I succeed with this non-profit and make a difference, does that make me a better person? A healthier person? A more devoted wife? A more compassionate friend? Nope. We have to fight for our confidence. Every. Single. Time. New issue? New messages, new choices, new squelching and empowering and running. The one advantage I do see, though, is that once we've learned the process of creating confidence, once we know we are capable of running, we can do it again. And again.
Making a choice and running with it doesn't require confidence. It creates it, and it feels glorious.